CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
No sir, it's A National Company Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
No sir, A National Company bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
According to our caller ID
data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza
with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick
crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
May I suggest that this
time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and
olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetables.

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know?

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
Well, we cross-referenced
your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of
your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:!
Okay, but I do not want
your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
Excuse me sir, but you have
not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only
purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4
months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
That doesn’t show on your
last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source,
which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT !!!

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of
helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to
death of A National Company, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going
to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone
service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

A NATIONAL COMPANY:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6
weeks ago...

Lawrence Anthony is a legend in South Africa, and author of 3 books including the bestseller, The Elephant Whisperer. He bravely rescued wildlife and rehabilitated elephants all over the globe from human atrocities, including the courageous rescue of Baghdad Zoo animals during US invasion in 2003.

Anthony was the author of numerous books on wildlife conservation. He also created the 5,000-acre Thula Thula wildlife sanctuary and adopted herds of elephants that would have been killed, according to the New York Times obituary.

On March 7, 2012 Lawrence Anthony died. He is remembered and missed by his wife, 2 sons, 2 grandsons, and numerous elephants.

Two days after his passing, the wild elephants showed up at his home led by two large matriarchs. Separate wild herds arrived in droves to say goodbye to their beloved 'man-friend'.

A total of 31 elephants walked over 12 hours to get to his South African House.

Witnessing this spectacle, humans were obviously in awe not only because of the intelligence and precise timing that these elephants exhibited about Anthony's passing, but also because of the profound memory and emotion the beloved animals evoked in such an organized way, walking slowly,
making their way in a solemn one-by-one queue from their habitat to his house. Lawrence's wife, Francoise, was especially touched, knowing that the elephants had not been to his house prior to that day for 3 years.

The elephants obviously wanted to pay their deep respects, honouring their friend who'd saved their lives - so much respect that they stayed for 2 days 2 nights without eating anything.

Then one morning, they left, making their long journey back home.

Some things in the universe are greater & deeper than human intelligence.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________ _ _________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.